An Authoress Invasion
by Before the Sun Sets
Summary: Me, Russa, and my friend, Sofricus Aurora Zakuro, infiltrate the Castle That Never Was. We team up with Axel and begin the mayhem! Another friend joins us in Chap. 2!
1. Meeting Axel and Roxas' Torture

This was originally going to be part of Organization Fun, but I realized that it had the potential for multiple chapters.

It's about me and my friend Sofri infiltrating the Castle That Never Was and causing general mayhem. With Axel's help.

Explosions, screaming, pain... you get the idea. All the fun stuff. Especially the explosions... hehe...

This chapter involves us meeting up with Axel, then torturing poor Roxas.

Disclaimer: I don't own Axel, Roxas, or anything else Kingdom Hearts. I own Russa only. And the plot. Not that there is one. Sofricus (Sofri) is Sofricus Aurora Zakuro. So she belongs to herself. Oh, I don't own the "I'll make a man out of you" song from Mulan or the Wizard of Oz.

* * *

Sofricus and Russa walked along the corridor, laughing and babbling excitedly. 

"I can't believe we're actually here! In the Castle That Never Was!" Russa exclaimed, bouncing up and down hyperactively. She had shining silver hair that fell to her waist, deep purple eyes, was dressed in a simple brown tunic and leggings, and had all manner of weapons strapped to her body. I won't list them all, because there were too many. Her body was lean and wiry, and she was of little-more-than-average height.

Sofricus agreed heartily. "Don't you love authoress powers? They can get you inside anywhere, even someplace that doesn't exist! HUZZAH!" She was tall, with waist-length braided copper hair and piercing silver eyes. A long rapier was strapped at her hip.

Russa stopped as something occurred to her. "You know, maybe we shouldn't have engorged ourselves on candy and poptarts before we came…"

They looked at each other, laughed, and simultaneously yelled, "NAH!" Just then, Axel came running around the corner and crashed into the two girls, bowling them over. Sitting on the floor, the three looked at each other for a moment.

The two authoresses burst out laughing. "Hi Axel!" Russa exclaimed.

Axel stared at them for a moment, then shook his head. "I'm not even gonna ask." Russa grinned happily, rocking back and forth and shouting "SQUEE! SQUEE! SQUEE! SQUEE!"

Sofri told her to be quiet and turned to Axel. "Let's prank and/or annoy all of the other Nobodies and cause general mayhem!" she suggested, grinning evilly.

Axel stared at them both for another moment before grinning widely. "Yeah! Let's do it! But first, who are you?"

"Sofricus. But you can call me Sofri."

"Russa. PICKLE MUFFINCOOKIES!"

Axel shook his head at this last exclamation and turned to Sofri, who seemed to be the less hyperactive of the two. "The name's Axel. Got it-"

"Memorized?" Russa finished. Sofri smiled sympathetically at Axel. "We know." The pyromaniac glanced around them. "Why are we still sitting on the floor?"

Russa grinned and burst into song. "Because… We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz! If ever, if ever a wiz there was, the Wizard of Oz is one because, because, because, because, because, becaaaaauuuuuussee! Because of the wonderful things he does! We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Ooooooooooozz!"

Axel and Sofri ignored her for the moment. They got up and headed off down the hall, having decided to start with Roxas and work their way up. Russa followed behind, singing something different now: "Let's get down to business; to defeat the Huns. Did they send me daughters, when I asked for sons? You're the saddest bunch I ever met, but you can bet before we're through; Mister, I'll make a man out of you! Tranquil as the forest, but on fire within. Once you find your center, you are sure to win! You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven't got a clue! Somehow I'll make a man out of yooouuu!"

They headed in to Roxas' room. Axel decided to hang back and watch this one. He didn't want Roxas mad at him later.

The two girls saw Roxas at the exact same time. The poor Nobody never stood a chance.

"ROXAS!" They yelled, and tackled him. Roxas squirmed away and backed off into the corner.

Sofri and Russa traded a glance. Evil grins spread over their faces. Sofri began to recite: "Roxas. Number thirteen in the Organization. Nickname: The Key of Destiny. Element: Light. Weapon: Double Keyblades…" Russa laughed at the dumbfounded expression on the younger Nobody's face. She bounded forwards, levitated magically, and hung in the air above Roxas' head, upside-down.

She started tugging on his hair in random spots. Roxas slapped at her hands. "What are you doing?" Russa grinned. "I'm looking for your horns." He frowned. "What?"

Russa flipped rightside-up and mock glared at him. "Don't act all innocent. We both know you're really a goat!" (Inside joke)

Roxas just stared. Both girls suddenly stopped talking, waved, and disappeared.

Poking their heads around the doorframe, the three pranksters (Axel had been laughing hysterically the entire time) laughed even harder to see Roxas rocking back and forth on the floor moaning in terror.

Russa spun away and proclaimed, "On to Larxene! AWAAAYYY!" The others followed in her headlong dash down the hallway.

* * *

_I love randomly breaking out into song. Could you tell? More to come! From now on, there will be one or two Org members tortured per chapter. We'll have to see how long each one takes. Kudos to Sofri for the idea!_

_I need help thinking of how to torture the rest of them! I have an idea for Vexen, but any other suggestions would be appreciated! _


	2. A JiggingRabidHyperactivePooing Raccoon

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Kingdom Hearts. Nor do my friends. However, I own Russa, Sofri owns herself, as does Sharpie. Sharpie also owns the raccoon/stealing her wallet idea, and the "I am pickle man" song. And the word "phartsnax".

Okeydokey, so here is the next chappie! It involves a raccoon and candy... lots of candy...

Oh, the name of this chapter doesn't really fit on the thingee, so here it is:

**A Jigging Rabid Hyperactive Pooing Raccoon**

* * *

Sofri, Axel, and Russa stopped outside Larxene's door. Russa's eyes went blank for a second, then she laughed. "Sharpie just telepathically told me we should put a rabid raccoon on Larxene's chest and/or back of her neck and let it poo on her. Then we should steal her wallet." Her eyes blanked again. "And she's singing the ABCs…" 

The two girls glanced at each other and burst out laughing. Around her hysterical laughter, Sofri managed to choke out, "That's just like Sharpie to come up with something so random… and yet brilliant!"

"I shall go get the raccoon!" Russa proclaimed, and disappeared. A moment later, she reappeared holding a very angry looking raccoon. The three pranksters threw open the door. Larxene was lying back on her bed, asleep. Russa walked over and dropped the rabid raccoon on the Nobody's chest.

Larxene woke up immediately, staring at the creature on her chest. It glared back. Russa grabbed the raccoon and gave it an injection of some sort of white liquid. The animal's eyes glazed over for a second. Russa dropped it back on Larxene's chest just as the raccoon pooed. The little brown droppings landed neatly in a pile on the Nobody's black-cloaked chest.

The Savage Nymph screamed as the raccoon jumped onto her head. She leapt from her bed and ran around the room, still screaming bloody murder. The raccoon started dancing an Irish jig on top of her head.

Sofri turned to Russa. "What exactly was in that injection?" The other authoress was laughing so hard she could hardly stand up. "A special mixture," she choked out, "made mostly of liquid sugar with some added laxatives. Instant hyperactive pooing rabid raccoon."

The three pranksters broke out in renewed hysterical laughter when the raccoon dropped some more poo… on the back of Larxene's neck. Russa raised a fist in the air and proclaimed, "Now for the wallet!"

She reached forwards and snatched Larxene's wallet as she went by. The two authoresses instantly sat down and started digging through it, mostly ignoring Larxene and the jigging, pooing, rabid raccoon.

Russa yelled, "Phartsnax!" Sofri looked at her strangely. "Why did you just yell Phartsnax?" Russa grinned. "Cuz… Sharpie is chanting it in my mind. PARCHEESI BURRITOS!!"

"Well, SPORKS TO YOU!"

"PICKLES!"

"MUFFINS!"

"Well, you know what- you know what- AMERICAN HISTORY! ALL HAIL THE GIANT SQUEE POPTARTY MUFFINCOOKIES OF DOOOOOOM! I SHALL EAT YOU ALL WITH NASTY BIG POINTY TEETH!"

"Okay, you win." Sofri conceded. Axel just shook his head. "I'm not even gonna ask." "Ooh, looky!" Russa squealed, "Ten thousand munny!" Sofri snatched it out of her hand. "I'm gonna go get some stuff! Be back in a sec!" She poofed away.

"LalalalalalalalaallalalalalalalallalalalalallalaalalalalallalalalalalalalpumpkinqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqYURIOPcheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesemuffinssteakDINOSARZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A yell cut through Larxene's screaming as Sharpie appeared in a bang of purple light.

"Poof-a!" Russa yelled, "It's Sharpie!" She had gold hair that flowed down to her knees. Her eyes were light lavender, dancing with mischievous spirit. A sword was on her left hip, one that looked suspiciously like a purple Sharpie marker without the cap.

She grinned and started singing, "I am pickle man, I am pickle man, I am cuCUMber man, I am cuCUMber man, I am pickle man, I am pickle man…"

Russa gestured to Larxene, still screaming. The raccoon had just pooed again. "Your idea worked!" Russa told the new arrival. Sharpie laughed. Just then, Sofri returned, arms laden with candy and popcorn. She dropped it on the floor and yelled, "HIII SHARPIE!"

The newcomer grinned. "Smarties! YAY!" She dove into the pile and fished out a bag of Smarties. Popping an entire roll into her mouth, she held out a hand for Larxene's wallet. Russa handed it over. Everyone (except Larxene and the raccoon) watched as she rifled through it.

Suddenly, Sharpie burst out laughing. Russa and Sofri both dashed to her side to see what it was. Soon, all three were rolling on the floor, laughing fit to burst. Axel picked up the little square of paper Sharpie had dropped. It was a picture of Lexaeus with a heart drawn around his face.

Axel started laughing hysterically. All four pranksters laughed until tears ran down their cheeks. And then laughed some more. Eventually, when all four were wheezing madly, Larxene calmed down enough to send an electric shock into the raccoon. It fell to the floor, twitching.

Russa used her authoress powers to send it away, then resumed wheezing. Larxene snatched the picture away from Axel, her cheeks blushing a bright red.

"Oh, sugar-honey iced tea! She's gonna zap us!" Sofri wheezed. Sure enough:

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

Sofri quickly used her authoress powers to heal them. She grinned evilly at Larxene. "We don't like being zapped…"

Larxene screamed in terror and fled through a portal.

_**BLARGH!!!!**_

Larxene walked wearily into the kitchen, where she found Roxas rocking back and forth, muttering, "Not a goat, not a goat, not a goat…" He glanced up at her and let out a snort of amusement. "Shut it." The Savage Nymph told him. "I don't want to talk about it."

Roxas laughed silently as she walked away. _Why is her hair bright green?_ he wondered…

* * *

_Hope you liked it! Cookies for my friends for being in it! Sharpie will probably stick around for a while. She's too much fun to get rid of. I need ideas for Demyx, Xigbar, and Xemnas, so let me know if you've got any!_


	3. A Stolen Scythe and Poker Faces

Disclaimer: I don't own KH or anything so related. Nor do I own the "I feel pretty" song, though it has been slightly altered in this chappie. I do own the two phrases I yell at Marluxia and Russa and the phrase: "Oh, crud muffins.". The random beaver is also mine. Sofri owns herself, as does Sharpie.

Well, ready to torture Marly and Luxy? It's gonna be fun...

* * *

The four pranksters stood outside Marluxia's door. Russa rubbed her hands together and cackled evilly. "I've been waiting for this one!" Axel glanced at the other two humans, who shrugged. Sofri had an expectant grin on her face, though.

Axel contributed by burning the door down, then left the other three to it. He stood back against the wall, waiting.

He wasn't disappointed.

Marluxia was inside, polishing his scythe and humming. He was surrounded by rose petals, as usual. Each of the three humans did something different.

Sharpie started spinning and leaping around, singing, "You feel pretty, oh so pretty, you feel pretty and witty and bright! And you pity, any girl who isn't you tonight. You feel charming, oh so charming, it's alarming how charming you feel! And so pretty that you can hardly believe you're real… You feel stunning, and entrancing…"

While Sharpie was singing, Sofri strode up to the stunned Marluxia and said, "Hello, Marly. You should take man lessons from Larxene, you little girly!" She jumped back as he swung his scythe at her. Marluxia continued unsuccessfully trying to chop the authoress's head off, while she jumped around yelling, "Marly's a giiirl, Marly's a giiiirl!"

Russa chose that moment to bound in and snatch Marluxia's scythe away from him. She sprang around the room, avoiding the vines the Graceful Assassin kept sending at her, yelling, "FEAR ME AND MY FLOATING VILLAINOUS FLOWERS OF DOOOOOM!" She repeated this phrase over and over, alternating it with a simpler yell; "FEAR MY SCYTHE!"

Axel watched the chaos for a moment. It was an interesting sight, to say the least. Sharpie singing, Russa yelling and waving the scythe around, and Sofri admonishing Marluxia for being so girly and stealing the limelight from Larxene. His cool demeanor only lasted for a millisecond before he burst out laughing.

Marluxia finally stopped chasing after the girls and stomped his foot. "You are so ANNOYING!" he yelled, "You must be the reason Larxene has bright green hair and her cloak smells like raccoon poo and Roxas keeps chanting about how he's not a goat!"

Russa grinned. "Maaaayyybeee…" The Graceful Assassin groaned. Sharpie pouted. "Aww, it's no fun when they don't chase us… let's go bug Luxord instead!" The other two yelled their agreement and poofed away with Sharpie to annoy the Gambler of Fate.

Axel shot Marluxia an evil grin before sauntering out of the room. Marluxia glanced down and wondered aloud, "Now, where'd my scythe go?"

**_BLARGH!!!!_**

Luxord slammed his cards down on the table. "Dang it, how do you keep doing that?" Russa never lost. She was always one step ahead, knew when to bluff, when to throw all in, everything! She scooped up the Poptarts they were betting with. "They're mine, all MINE!" she cackled. Axel chuckled from where he was leaning against the wall.

Luxord frowned as the last of his Poptarts disappeared into Russa's bottomless belt pouch. The authoress then grabbed the familiar pink scythe from behind her chair and waved it around. "How about a game of dice?" Sharpie bounced in her chair. "Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!!!!"

The Gambler of Fate scooted away from her and laid some dice on the table. Russa summoned up a whole bunch more poptarts and the game began. This time Sharpie dominated, winning all of the pastries within a few rounds. Luxord looked incredibly frustrated. He hadn't won a single hand/round yet.

Sofri grinned. "My turn, my turn! Let's play… um… go fish!" More poptarts appeared on the table.

Needless to say, Sofri beat them all. Badly. She scooped the poptarts into her own pouch, stopping when she came to a strange looking brown one.

She bit into it, then choked and spit it out. "It's wood!" A random beaver ran in, grabbed it, and ran back out. Russa grinned sheepishly. "Oops… my bad!" Luxord stared at them for a moment, then got up and stomped away. "I give up!" he yelled, frustrated.

The three girls glanced at each other and burst out laughing. Russa fell out of her chair, landing with a _wudd_. "I guess he's never heard of authoress powers." Sofri remarked between laughs.

Once they'd stopped laughing, Russa pulled a poptart out of her pouch. She examined it for a moment, then tossed it to Axel. "Yuck, strawberry! You can have it, Axel." The pyromaniac stared at it for a moment, then shrugged and ate it.

His eyes widened, and a stupid grin spread across his face. Russa gasped. "Oh, crud muffins!" she exclaimed, "I forgot! My poptarts are specially engineered to make the person who eats them incredibly hyper!"

The three girls stared at each other for a moment. "There is no spoon…" Sharpie remarked philosophically.

Sofri jumped to her feet. "Weirdly, that just gave me an idea. You know we've been wondering how to torture Demmy? Well, let's go to his room with Axel and eat some of the poptarts ourselves. Then he'll have three hyperactive authoresses with ultimate power over time and space and a hyper pyromaniac on his hands."

Russa squealed in excitement as they headed out, Marluxia's scythe over her shoulder and Axel following behind docilely…

For the moment.

* * *

Next chappe goin up in a sec, so hang in there! 


	4. Poor Demyx

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. Or the "Eins, zwei, g'suffe" song, or the gingerbread man, or the Fun Box. Sofri owns herself, as does Sharpie. Oh, and Sharpie wrote one paragraph in this chappie... I think you'll know which one it is when you see it.

* * *

Demyx walked back towards his room, out of breath from the laughing fit he had had at the sight of Larxene's hair. Sure, he'd gotten zapped for it, but it was worth it. As he approached the door to his room, he heard some strange noises. A crackling noise, raucous singing, and uncontrollable giggling.

Demyx sped up, reaching the door to his room within a few strides. He stopped dead.

Russa and Sofri were standing on his bed, swaying back and forth and singing lustily, "In München ist ein Hofbräuhaus. Eins, zwei, G'SUFFE!..." Sharpie was giggling at them and chewing on a poptart. Axel was standing in the middle of the room, throwing fire everywhere and laughing uproariously when things started to burn.

Demyx pulled out his sitar, summoned water, and put out all the flames, then yelled, "SHUT UP!"

They did. For about two seconds.

"Demyx!" Russa yelled excitedly, "We've been waiting for you!" She began bouncing up and down on the bed, singing something incomprehensible and swinging Marluxia's scythe around. Flowers were shooting out from it at random intervals and flying all over the room. Demyx picked one up. It was a honeysuckle.

Just then, Sofri bounded forwards and snatched the sitar from Demyx. She strummed on it experimentally.

Demyx lunged forwards. "Give that back!" Sofri danced out of his reach, singing, "Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!"

The Melodious Nocturne continued chasing her, ducking under swings of Russa's stolen scythe and dodging fireballs thrown randomly by Axel. Sharpie was now skipping about the room. She leapt into Demyx's path and yelled, "And then mosquitos will breed in it and they will EAT YOU!"

Demyx dodged around her and continued chasing after Sofri. The authoress avoided him for a while, until she was almost beheaded by Russa's scythe. She overbalanced and fell. Demyx grabbed on to her ankle.

The room fell completely silent.

"Oooooooooooo!" said Axel.

"Oooooooooooo!" said Sharpie.

"Oooooooooooo!" said Russa.

"Oooooooooooo!" said the random beaver.

Sofri frowned at Demyx. "That's my ankle. You touched my ankle…"

Sharpie and Russa started singing. "Fun Box, oh Fun Box, small and square and dark. Fun Box, oh Fun Box, check out these cool fun locks. Yay!" They repeated this over and over. Axel began to laugh uncontrollably.

Sofri conjured up a small cage and locked Demyx inside. She then joined the others in the Fun Box song.

Demyx ate a piece of ham that Sharpie gave him. Then the sound of an orchestra falling down a flight of stairs and landing on a cat reached their ears. Sharpie doesn't know what it is so she is leaving it up to Russa. Lalalalalala you said duck. I'm not a duck. Raaamblelalalalala. Purple lines! Reddish purple lines! Mr. Nacho! His forehead is white! He looks old! There is an N on his forehead! Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala! He has a hole in his side! He has hourglass figure.

And that was filler commentary from Sharpie as I helped Sofri draw chibi org members. She was having issues with Vexen's hair and the eye color of most of them. Anyways:

Demyx had finished his ham, and Sofri turned off her Random Filler Noises Machine (RFNM). Russa was dancing around the room, listening to her pretty blue Nano, and occasionally bursting out with a part of the songs she knew. The scythe was swinging all over the place, considering it was about two feet longer than Russa was tall.

Sofri tapped her on the shoulder. "Uh, Russa, you're writing self is back and ready to type now." Russa tore the earphones out of her ears. The Ipod vanished in a silver poof.

Russa glanced at the scythe in her hand, then at the sitar in Sofri's. "Sharpie," she said, "Which weapon do you want?"

The gold-haired girl thought for a moment. "Uh… I dunno." Russa jumped up and down. "How about Saïx's claymore?"

"Can I chop onions with it?" Sharpie asked. Sofri and Russa glanced at each other. "Sure…" Sofri said.

"Cool!" Sharpie exclaimed, "Let's go get it!" They dashed out of the room. Axel, still giggling stupidly, followed them out.

Demyx groaned. "I'm going to be stuck in here forever, aren't I?"

* * *

_Poor Demyx. All he wanted was his sitar back... Ah well. Yeah, Sharpie's weird. She wrote the bit where she said she wasn't a duck. _

_The return of the random beaver! Huzzah!_

_You may have noticed at this point that there is absolutely no plot to this story. I have brought Timmy Turner's dad to tell you why. _

_ Mr. Turner: "Plots are for SQUARES!"_

_He said it... I don't own him either._

_Next chappie we torture Saïx. It is somewhat musical... and yes, Sharpie will take his claymore. _


	5. Singing to Saix

Yay! Time for Saix!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything KH II, or any of the songs used in this chapter... namely; the llama song, the macaroni song, peanut butter jelly time, Yeah Toast, the crab song thing, Do you like waffles?, the underwear song, or I'll make a man out of you. Lotsa singin in this chappie. I don't own Charlie the Unicorn or PS3s either. I only own Russa. Sofri owns herself, as does Sharpie.

* * *

Russa poked her head around the doorframe. She grinned and gave the thumbs up to the others behind her.

The authoress skipped inside, singing, "Here' s a llama, there's a llama, and another little llama, fuzzy llama, funny llama, llama llama duck! Llama llama cheesecake llama, tablet brick potato llama, llama llama mushroom llama, llama llama duck! I was once a treehouse, I lived in a cake, but I never saw the way the orange slayed the rake; I was only three years dead, but it told a tale! So now listen little child to the safety rail. Did you ever see a llama kiss a llama on the llama; llama llama tastes of llama, llama llama duck. Half a llama, twice the llama, not a llama, farmer llama, llama in a car alarm-a, llama llama duck. Is that how it's told now? Is it all so old? Is it made of lemon juice? Doorknob, ankle, cold. Now my song is getting thin, I've run out of luck! Time for me to retire now, and become a duck."

Axel strode in after her. He adopted an announcer voice to say, "And now Sharpie with the macaroni song!"

Sharpie ran in, chanting, "Macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni put the cheese in the noodles and what do you get? Macaroni macaroni macaroni macaroni put the cheese in the noodles and what do you get?"

Sofri followed her, yell-singing, "It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where he at, where he at, where he at, where he at? There he go, there he go, there he go, there he go! Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat! Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!"

Sharpie then ran over to Saïx, who was twitching from the shock, and began drumming on his head in a distinctive tune. Russa and Sofri grinned at each other. Russa began singing, "All around the country and coast, people always say 'What do you like most'? I don't wanna brag, I don't wanna boast; I always tell 'em: 'I like toast!'"

She pointed to Sofri, who punctuated Sharpie's drumming with yells. "Yeah toast!"

Russa picked up the song again, "Get up in the mornin' 'bout 6 a.m. Have a little jelly, have a little jam. Take a piece of bread, put it in the slot. Push down the lever and the wires get hot; I get toast!"

"Yeah toast! (drumming) Yeah toast!"

"There' s no secret to toasting perfection; there's a dial on the side and you make your selection. Push it to the dark and the light and then if it pops too soon, press down again; make toast!"

"Yeah toast! (drumming) Eeeehhh tooaasstt!"

"When the first caveman drove in from the dregs, didn't know what would go with the bacon and the eggs. Must'a been a genius, got it in his head: Plug the toaster in the wall, buy a bag of bread, make toast!"

"Yeah toast! (drumming) eeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhtttooooasstt…"

Russa turned to Sofri for the next part. The copper-haired girl obliged. "oui monsieur bonjour coquette, uh huh croissante, et vous Yvette? maurice chevalier effeil tower, oui marie baggette bon soir!"

Russa yelled this time. "French toast! (drumming) French toast!"

Sharpie piped up, "In Chicago and on the Bob and Tom show…"

All three yelled, "Toast!"

Sharpie decided to sing the next song. "I've got a big bag of crabs here! I'm gonna put them in my mouth, OH YEESSS! I'm gonna run around the town on market day! Everyone'll look at me and say I've got a mouth full of crabs!" She began hopping madly around the room, yelling something unintelligible. She managed to swipe Saïx's claymore while she was at it. After about thirty seconds of this, she yelled, "That's how I'll sound when I've got a mouth full of crabs!"

Sofri took over from her; "Do you like waffles?"

The others (including Axel, who was wheezing from laughter) responded, "Yeah, I like waffles!"

"Do you like pancakes?"

"Yeah, I like pancakes!"

"Do you like French toast?"

"Yeah I like French toast!"

"Do-do-do-do can't wait to get a mouthful!"

With that, Russa began her song, "I'm not wearing underwear today, no I'm not wearing underwear today! Not that you probly care much about my underwear, still, nonetheless I gotta saaaaaaaay: that I'm not wearing underwear to-daaaaay!"

They all sang the last song together, "Let's get down to business; to defeat the Huns! Did they send me daughters, when I asked for sons? You're the saddest bunch I ever met, but you can bet, before we're through; Mister, I'll make a man out of you. Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within. Once you find your center, you are sure to win! You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven't got a clue. Somehow I'll make a man out of you!" They began trading off lines:

"I'm never gonna catch my breath!"

"Say goodbye to those who knew me!"

"Boy was I a fool in school for cutting gym!"

"This guy's got 'em scared to death!"

"Hope he doesn't see right through me!"

"Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!"

"Be a man; we must be swift as a coursing river, (be a man) with all the force of a great typhoon, (be a man) with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon! Time is racing towards us, 'till the Huns arrive. Heed my every order, and you might survive! You're unsuited for the rage of war, so pack up, go home, you're through! How could I make a man out of you? Be a man; we must be swift as a coursing river, (be a man) with all the force of a great typhoon, (be a man) with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon! Be a man; we must be swift as a coursing river, (be a man) with all the force of a great typhoon, (be a man) with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the mooooooon!"

All three took a bow. They watched as Saïx fell to the ground, twitching and moaning. Sofri high-fived Russa. "We pwned him like a PS3!" Everyone stared at her for a long moment. "Sorry, inside joke."

Russa stared at her in horror. "Sofri, you realize you're quoting Short Caveman (don't ask), right?" The other authoress nodded. Sharpie and Russa both yelled, "Shun the Caveman-quoter! Shuuuuuuuuuuun!"

Sofri stomped her foot. "Well, you know what I say to that? AMERICAN HISTORY!" All three burst out laughing.

Axel glanced out through the still-open door. "Hey," he called to the laughing girls, "Maybe we should go back and let Demyx out…"

They broke out in fresh gales of laughter. "Let's not, say we did, and write a book about it." Sofri choked out. Russa laughed harder. "Yeah, where's the fun in that?"

Suddenly, all three stopped laughing, shot to their feet, and yelled, "ON TO ZEXION!"

* * *

Glomping galore in the next chappie, along with a very mad/scared Zexy! Funfunfun! 


	6. NOT EMO!, Mr Nacho,&marriage proposals

Disclaimer: I don't own KHII or anything from it. Nor do I own Sofri and Sharpie, who both own themselves. The big blue bubbly ball was Sharpie's idea.

Sorry this took so long. I was having trouble with Lexaeus. Enjoy!

* * *

The pranksters stood outside Zexion's door. Sofri was bouncing up and down and spinning in circles. "I've been waiting for this one for a loooooong time!" Russa threw the door open, revealing Zexion inside, reading.

"Zexy!" Sofri yelled, and promptly glomped him. The glomp lasted a long time; five minutes to be exact. She finally let go and grinned at Russa. "I've wanted to do that incrediblymuch."

Zexion glared at her. "What was that?" Russa grinned. "Aw, is poor little emo Zexy having trouble staying emo when he just got glomped?" The Cloaked Schemer glared at her. "I AM NOT EMO!"

Sharpie chuckled. "Don't deny your emo issues; you need to talk about them sometime." She grinned and dodged to the side as Zexion attempted to attack her.

Then a big blue bubbly ball poofed in. It said, "Hi. You have emo issues Zexion." Sharpie danced victoriously. "Told you so!" Zexion stared at them. "You're going to trust the word of a big blue bubbly ball that talks?"

The three girls stared at him for a long moment. Eventually, Russa informed him, "It _poofed_. That means it's special. Normal big blue bubbly balls don't _poof_." Zexion shook his head exasperatedly. "Whatever."

Sofri glomped him. Hard. "I love it when you're emo!" Zexion wriggled away and backed into a corner. Russa blanked for a moment, then snapped back to herself with an evil grin. She called, "Scared of us, goth-boy?"

He glared at her. "I'm not--" She cut him off. "Emu! Elephant!" She then pulled out a large, sharp, and pointy stick and began poking him with it.

Sharpie ran up to him, dodging around Russa's stick, and waved the claymore in his face. "Look! Isn't this weapon cool? Where's your weapon? I don't see one!" Russa threw the stick away and grinned. "Yeah, emu, where's your weapon? Are you too emo to have a weapon? Look at Marluxia's scythe! It's awesome!" Sofri yelled something much along the same lines about Demyx's sitar.

Zexion cracked under all the torture. He began yelling semi-coherent curses at the girls. They fell over laughing, except for Sofri, who (you guessed it!) glomped him. She poofed away like this, then returned a moment later.

"Where'd you take him?" Russa asked. Sofri grinned. "I locked him in my closet." Sharpie frowned. "You know he can teleport."

Sofri's grin widened. "He won't go anywhere…"

_**BLARGH!!!**_

Lexaeus wandered into his room, scratching his head and wondering where everyone had disappeared to. He hadn't seen Demyx or Zexion lately...

The Silent Hero stopped short. Three girls were lounging around in his room, chatting animatedly and completely ignoring him. They were each holding one of the other organization member's weapons. Axel was lying on the bed flipping his chakram. He smiled when he noticed Lexaeus. "Oh Russaaa…." he called.

The afore-mentioned authoress whipped her head around. The scythe mirrored her movement, almost chopping Sofri in half. Russa ignored her fellow authoress's glare and jumped to her feet. "Hellooooo… MR. NACHO!"

Lexaeus was, to say the least, quite confused. "Who?"

Sofri instantly forgot her near-decapitation and got up as well. She strummed on the sitar. "Miiiiiiiister Nach-o!" They all chanted it, driving Lexaeus back towards his closet. He looked close to tears.

"How did you figure out my secret name?" he cried, pulling out a bag of nachos and clutching it to his chest. Sharpie poofed away for a moment and returned with a very unhappy green-haired Larxene. Russa darted forwards and snatched the nachos from Lexaeus.

Sofri stood between the two, arms spread. "You must choose…" she intoned in a deep voice, "Larxene or the nachos?"

Lexaeus looked between the two, obviously in deep inner turmoil. "Uh… erm…" He sent longing glances at the nachos, then decided, "Larxene!" Sharpie shoved the Savage Nymph into the closet. Sofri prodded Lexaeus with the pointy end of the sitar. "In you go, Mr. Nacho!"

He went.

Russa slammed the door shut and locked it. From inside the closet, they heard a muffled, "Yay!" from Larxene. Sharpie smirked. "There's a tape recorder in there, isn't there?"

Russa and Sofri grinned. They sat down and pulled out the receiver end. While they listened, Russa passed the nachos around.

This is how it went:

Larxene: "Yay!"

Mr. Nacho: "I second that!"

(a long silence)

"Well… what do you wanna do?"

"Wanna make out?"

(VERY LONG SILENCE!)

"You know what… I think I love you."

"I love you, too, nymphy."

The three authoresses burst into the closet. "And CUT! Very good, very emotional!"

Larxene pushed them out and closed the door quickly.

Russa stared at the closed door. "We probably don't want to know what is going on in there…" she commented. The four pranksters headed off to Vexen's room.

Zexion magically appeared in front of Sofri. He stared at her for a moment, then hugged her.

"Gaspeth!" exclaimed Russa, "Did Zexy just **hug** Sofri?" Sharpie and Axel both nodded in amazement. Zexion glared at them and pulled Sofri into an empty room, slamming the door behind them.

Sofri looked like she had just found heaven on earth. She looked up at Zexion and said shyly, "Zexy… will you marry me?" (A/N: Yeah, I know generally the man proposes, but Sofri wanted to)

Zexion stared at her for a moment. "Um…" He shrugged and smiled. "What the heck! Sure!" Sofri glomped him tightly, then walked back out of the room looking happier than ever.

As the pranksters made their way to Vexen's room, Zexion trailed along behind. Sofri kept stealing glances at him. She pointedly ignored the other's chanting:

"Sofri and Zexy, sittin in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!..."


	7. A Little Chemistry Experiment

Disclaimer: Don't own anything recognizably KH related. Sofri owns herself and the book idea. Sharpie owns herself and her first set of quotes. Tiger owns herself and her quote.

Enjoy this chappie! Sorry it took so long, but then I had a fit of randomness and here it is!

* * *

Russa knelt down, searching through Vexen's bookshelf. Sharpie was examining a bubbling beaker on the counter, and Sofri was sitting with Zexion in the corner. Axel was lounging on the bed.

The silver-haired authoress stopped at one book. It was entitled _Letting Demyx Out of the Fun Box_. She checked the author and gave a surprised chuckle. "Sofriiii?"

Sofri glanced over. "Yeah?" Russa held the book up. "You wrote a book about it?" The other grinned cheekily. "I said I would, did I not?" Sharpie tore her attention away from the beaker and called. "I wanna see, I wanna see!"

Russa tossed the book at Sharpie, who caught it and immediately sat down to read. She went over to the bed and sat next to Axel. "I'm bored!" they said simultaneously. The two traded glances. "That was weird…" Russa remarked.

Just then, Vexen came into the room. He stopped short, looking around in confusion. He could have sworn there were people there a moment ago…

Sofri, Russa, Sharpie, and Axel snickered at the dumbfounded look on Vexen's face. Russa had used her amazing authoress powers to hide them just in time. The four crept over behind Vexen, who had gone back to his experiment.

He was holding a test tube above the beaker, getting ready to add a small amount to the mixture. All four invisible pranksters crept up behind him and yelled as one:

"HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO VEXEEEEEN!!!!!"

Boom.

The four pranksters, now black due to their fresh covering of soot, fell about laughing hysterically. Even Zexion, who had been sitting on the bed, cracked a grin. Vexen was lying unconscious on the floor.

Sofri, Russa, and Sharpie decided to have some more fun. They each picked up various test tubes and beakers and began mixing them rapidly.

"Hand me that blue one, would you Sofri?"

"Trade ya for the purple one."

"Mine looks funny. And bubbly. And unsta-"

BOOM!

"YAY!"

"YAY!"

"AMERICAN HISTORY!"

They continued at this for some time, laughing at the different reactions. Some turned fun colors, some caused whoever sniffed it to turn into a potato, at which point one of the authoresses turned them back, and some did other cool things. One of them even summoned an interdimensional all-powerful monkey god, who promptly threw giant poo at them and fled back to his home dimension.

Most just exploded. However, even these explosions had some variety. They were all different kinds of colors, and some made cool noises. There were many booms, farts, beeps, squelch noises, meows, barks, quacks, and other interesting noises.

The three authoresses eventually stopped, but only because they were wheezing from lack of oxygen due to their constant hysterical laughter. (A/N: Yay for hysterical laughing and wheezing)

Once they had all caught their breath, Russa yelled, "RANDOM FIGHT!" She followed this up with: "SQUEEEEEEEE!"

"WELL, PICKLE!" Sofri retorted.

"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU KNOW WHAT—AMERICAN HISTORY!"

"NEEERRRHDNGIERFSAFANGIET!"

"PICKLED SQUEE POPTARTY MUFFINCOOKIES OF DOOOOOOOM! I SHALL EAT YOU ALL WITH NASTY BIG POINTY TEETH!"

At this point, Sharpie pwned them all with a long string of randomness:

"And then mosquitoes will breed in it and they will eat you! Pasty pasty pasty! I have a plaque on my pants, NOW WHAT? I'm a nut I'm a nut I'm a nut pickle! There is no spoon! Tombes-tone! Don't asphyxiate on the windshield, you buttersnotch; go swim in a brick!" (A/N: Those are all actual quotes from Sharpie)

As the others stared in dumfounded silence, she continued, "There are no port-a-potties on mars! Oh my cheese! I found the chapel! Blergee blee!"

"You win!" Russa proclaimed. Just then, a brown haired girl who was listening to hamster dance music poofed in. "Hi Tiger!" Russa called. Tiger waved, then said philosophically, "Raisins aren't cannibalistic." She poofed away.

Sofri glanced around the room. "I think we've done enough damage here, don't you think?" The others nodded. Sharpie led the way, with Sofri and Zexion following. Russa was about to go after them when Axel pulled her back.

He glanced at Vexen to see that he was still unconscious, then looked back at Russa. He leaned forward and kissed her gently, then strolled out of the room whistling.

Russa was motionless for a moment, enjoying the feeling his kiss had given her. Then she ran after the others.


	8. Hula Dancing

Disclaimer: I don't own anything KH. I do own Russa, considering she's me. Sharpie owns herself and the pickle-man song. Sofri owns herself. Afroman owns himself, and the song he sings. None of us own Kokomo or the Holy Hand Grenade. Enjoy!

* * *

It was just a normal day in Xaldin's life. He was peacefully cleaning his room, singing the "folding and hanging" song as he picked up his pants, just like always. But then…

"I'**M** A WITCH!"

"I'**M** A WITCH!"

"I'**M** A WITCH!"

Russa, Sofri, and Sharpie swooped around, riding on Xaldin's lances. They were still carrying the stolen weapons over their shoulders as they rode, yelling, "I'M A WITCH!"

Xaldin attempted to summon Russa's lance towards him, but it didn't work. She flew closer and glared at him.

"'Ey mon, watcha tryin' ta do ta my broomstick?" she demanded in a Jamaican voice. Xaldin stared at her in complete and utter astonishment.

Just then, Sofri and Sharpie flew down next to Russa and began singing. "Aaaaaa-ruba, Jamaica, oo, I wanna take ya. Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama. Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go. Jamaica--"

"Off the Florida keys," Russa chimed in, "There's a place called Kokomo. That's where we wanna go, to get away from it all."

They all began singing the rest of the song: "Bodies in the sand, tropical drink melting in your hand. We'll be falling in love to the rhythm of a steel drum band, down in kokomo…"

As they continued singing, they noticed with horror that Xaldin had begun dancing. _Hula_dancing. Russa's eyes widened as she watched in horrified fascination. Sharpie's eyes started bleeding from the pain. (Not really, but you get the idea.)

Sofri quickly sent up a black curtain in between them and Xaldin. "Well, that was scary." she commented matter-of-factly. Russa was twitching and muttering, "Scarred for life, scarred for life, scarred for life…" She slid off her broomstick and fell to the ground spazzing.

Axel strode over and knelt next to her. He poked her shoulder. "Russa, you okay?" he asked. She popped back up. "I'm over it now. Thanks though." Axel grabbed her hand and pulled her into the closet.

Sofri stared after them. "I think I can guess what's going on in there…" she muttered to herself. (Nothing dirty, any of you who might be thinking nasty thoughts) She looked over at Sharpie. "Well, I got Zexy, and Russa got Axel, so who do you want?"

Sharpie produced a pickle from nowhere. "This pickle!" she announced. Sofri stared at her. "You're going to marry a pickle?" The gold-haired girl grinned, leaned over, and whispered, "He's a rich pickle!"

Sofri just shook her head. Just then, Russa and Axel came out from the closet. Sofri flew over and glared at the other authoress. "Well?"

"We're gonna get married!" Russa exclaimed happily, glomping Axel. Sharpie held up the pickle. "So're me and Mr. Pickle!" she called.

The pickle began shaking violently. It split open and out popped…

"…Roxas?" Axel asked, "Since when can you turn into a pickle?"

Russa whispered something in Roxas's ear. The Nobody grinned and began chanting,   
"I am pickle man, I am pickle man, I am cuCUMber man, I am cuCUMber man! I am pickle man, I am pickle man, I am cuCUMber man, I amd cuCUMber man!"

Sharpie screeched, "Nooooooo! My song!" She tackled him. ­­­­­­­­Roxas grinned, "Yay! Sharpie, will you marry me?"

The girl looked around at Russa. There seemed to be some conversation between them, judging by the twitching. Then Sharpie turned back to Roxas and nodded. He smiled happily.

(Note: A moment of extreme fluff has been edited out to preserve the rating)

Just then, Xaldin burst through the curtain, now wearing a grass skirt and coconut… thing. "There's a place called Kokomo--" was all he got out before six things happened at once;

Sharpie pulled extremely pointy carrots out of nowhere and began pelting Xaldin with them.

Roxas yelled and attacked him with his keyblades.

Zexion fixed him with an intense emo glare.

Sofri began pelting him with grapes.

Axel set his grass skirt on fire.

And Russa… well… she got a grenade from somewhere.

Sofri paused in her grape pelting long enough to ask, "Russa… why is that grenade glowing?"

Russa grinned. "It's the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! I must count to three, not five, and throw!" She pulled the pin out, counted to three, and threw the grenade at Xaldin.

"Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…" sang the disembodied voice.

Time stopped for a moment, except for Russa. She put her hands on her hips. "Why are you here, Mr. Disembodied Voice?"

"Because… Sofri fired me from her Sharp and Pointy series…" the voice said sadly.

Russa thought for a moment. "Fine. You can stay, provided you don't interrupt too often." Time resumed.

BOOM!

An extremely blackened Xaldin teleported away, only to be replaced by a boy with unruly, curly brown hair.

"Hey! It's Afroman!" Russa yelled. Afroman grinned weirdly and began singing. "This hole is your hole, this hole is my hole…" He spotted the crater left by the Holy Hand Grenade. "SCHWEET! A **REAL** HOLE!"

_Poof._ He was gone.

Sofri grinned at the others. "I think that's enough for Xaldin, don't you think?" They all nodded.

(WARNING! End of chapter contains extreme fluff not suitable for a K+ rating, so this is the end. Thanks for reading!)


	9. Target Practice

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Cept Russa, cuz she's me. Sharpie and Sofri and Simba own themselves. None of us own Kingdom Hearts, The Fairly Oddparents, or I Choose Canoes For Five To Use. Yayness. Happiness and Joy.

* * *

Xigbar cocked his gun and aimed it easily at the target. He pulled the trigger.

A small squeak could be heard. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The Freeshooter glanced around. What was that? He shrugged, took aim again, and fired.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Xigbar stomped his foot and glared around. Where the heck was that coming from? He set off three more shots.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

This continued for quite some time. Eventually, Xigbar realized that the sound was coming from his guns. Whenever he shot, there was the sound. The Freeshooter popped open the barrel of one of the guns and looked inside. What he saw stunned him.

Sharpie, Sofri, and Russa were sitting inside. Sharpie wagged a finger at the others. "Now now," she said in her best teaching voice, "The word 'we' has many meanings. We as in us, we the people, or my favorite--"

The Freeshooter slammed the barrel shut and fired three shots from that gun. He heard three small voices yell:

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

He checked inside the barrel of his other gun to see Axel, Roxas, and Zexion. The three Nobodies found themselves lifted up violently by a giant hand and shaken around.

"What the –expletive deleted- are you three doing in my gun?" he yelled, the sound waves knocking over the tiny Nobodies.

Suddenly, all three returned to normal size. They sat down hard on the ground, ears ringing. Russa popped out from behind a bush, back to normal size, and made a "tsk"-ing gesture with her finger. "That's not very nice, Xigbar."

The Freeshooter glared at her. "I. Don't. Care! Next time, don't hide inside my guns!" He paused as something occurred to him. "How did you shrink yourselves down anyway?"

Sofri came out from the bushes as well. "With our _amazing authoress powers_!" Xigbar frowned. "What?"

Just then, Sharpie, who had been creeping up behind the Freeshooter the entire time, jumped on his head, yelling, "I Choose Canoes For Five To Use!!!"

Xigbar yelled in surprise and ran around madly, trying, and failing, to get Sharpie off. She continued to yell the same phrase over and over, clinging to his head and waving the claymore (which had magically appeared) around.

Meanwhile, Sofri and Russa had each picked up one of the guns and were practicing their aim. Were they using the targets? No. Of course not. That would be boring.

They were taking aim instead at different windows of the Castle That Never Was. Sofri was hitting and breaking most of the windows that she aimed at. Every time one broke, she would watch the falling glass, saying, "Pretty pretty sharp stuff…"

Russa was not such a good shot. Probably the only thing nearby that was safe was the window she was aiming at. She managed to hit three trees, Xigbar, four random birds, ten assorted lesser Nobodies, and hit the castle wall more times than she could count.

The authoress pulled the gun back and glared at it. "This gun hates me!" she yelled, firing off tons more shots.

Just then, Simba McCloud appeared. (Not Lion King Simba people) He had a big grin on his face. "…Did somebody say gun?"

(CHAOS ALERT!)

Russa and Sofri grinned at each other. Suddenly, a huge pile of assorted weaponry (mostly guns but some grenades too) appeared nearby.

"Whoo!" Simba whooped and snatched up an assault rifle. Sofri grabbed a shotgun, and Russa, with a creepy grin, picked up a rocket launcher.

"These don't shoot ordinary bullets you know," she cautioned, hoisting the rocket launcher onto her shoulder, "That would be _boring_. For example…" She fired the huge gun.

A strange flat disc went spinning off and slammed into the wall of the castle. Simba stared at Russa. "What the heck was that?" The authoress grinned. "Nuclear waffle. It's not dangerous though. That would be mean."

Simba shrugged and fired off his rifle. It sent a bullet off that yelled, "There is no 'of'!" as it whistled through the air. He stared at Russa again. "And that?"

Russa grinned. "They're bullets that yell random phrases. Mostly fun quotes." She fired off her nuclear waffle launcher again. It splatted into Xigbar, who still had Sharpie on his head. She looked down at the waffle. "Nuclear waffles? Freakin' sweet!

Simba shook his head at the duo. "I would like to inform my esteemed colleagues Sofri and Russa that they are a pair of idiots."

Xigbar scratched his head. "What's a pairovideas?"

"_Pair of idiots," _Simba replied. "Why do you hang around with these people, Sofri?"

"They're cool," the silver-eyed authoress told him, hugging Zexion. "Hey, Zexy, don't you want to try out _this _weapon?" She picked up a book entitled _Getting Over Your Emo Denial Issues For Dummies_.

"Heeeeeey!" Zexion exclaimed, chasing Sofri around the room, eventually catching her in a tight hug.

"I Choose Canoes for Five To Use!" Sharpie yelled again, jumping off Xigbar's head and landing beside the book, which she began reading upside-down. "Hey, it's a geography textbook!"

A dark-haired man and a chalkboard poofed in. "Hey, Geography, I'm good at geography!" the man said stupidly. He drew a triangle on the board. "This is a paralellothingy!"

"Who's he?" Simba asked.

The man grinned. Russa replied. "His name is…"

At that moment, Axel burped loudly.

"4.2 seconds!" Roxas exclaimed, holding up a timer.

Simba frowned, drank some soda from a grenade shaped like a teapot, and burped even louder and longer.

"6.6 seconds!" Roxas announced.

The two redheads with overly large egoes continued their war until suddenly, a burp twice as loud and long as their loudest and longest came from the corner of the area. It was…

An air molecule!!

Russa waved. "Hi, Bob!" she called.

However, Axel and Simba's ego war had escalated to…singing?

Axel: "Anything you can do, I can do better, I can do anything better than you!"

Simba: "No you can't!"

Axel: "Yes I can!"

Simba: "No you can't!"

Axel: "Yes I caaaaaaan!"

Sharpie grinned. "Welcome to the annual Castle That Never Was Ego Olympics! Today's contestants are Axel and Simba! The prize is….a poptart and spork patrol t-shirt! And also… A HAM!"

Sofri thought for a moment then yelled in an announcer type voice: "The first contest will be who can bounce a poptart on their head while carving a pumpkin in the shape of Harry Potter for the longest."

Simba stared at her. "…What?" Sharpie ran over and whispered, "Peanut butter!" Russa threw poptarts at them. "Aaaand… START!!!!"

The six non-contestants watched, snickering. Sofri giggled as Axel accidentally spattered himself with pumpkin goo. "This is very enterta—PENCIL!" She cut off her sentence and picked up a little pencil that was randomly lying on the ground. Russa rolled her eyes.

After 5 minutes, Axel was winning by a landslide. His pumpkin was perfect down to the scar, and his poptart was still bouncing. Simba had been unable to even cut into his pumpkin, and his poptart was bouncing precariously close to the edge of his overly large head. Suddenly, his pumpkin exploded and the poptart went flying off his head into Sharpie's mouth.

"EW!! SIMBA GERMS!!" Sharpie yelled. "The winner of Round 1 is AXEL!!"

After several more rounds, consisting of events anywhere from chocolate-milk dipped grape fights to random quote recitals to races to Timbuktu and back, the score was: Axel-42 Simba-0.

"I am proud to say," Sharpie announced, "that the winner is AXEL!! Here's your prize. And Simba, your consolation prize is…..

…..Pumpkin Goo!!"

Simba looked down at his clothes. "I think I have that already… I need to change…" He poofed away.

Russa shrugged. "Well, that's enough for this chappie!"

(Insert fluff here)

* * *

Loooooong chappie, this was. 


	10. Eeeeeeeevil monotone

Disclaimer: Neither me, nor Sofri, nor Sharpie own Kingdom Hearts. None of us own barbie, Star Wars, "Mein Hut er hat drei Ecke", the Song Song, Comfort Eagle, or 99 Luftballons. Short Caveman, evil as he is, owns himself. Sharpie and Sofri own themselves too. I own Russa.

* * *

FART!!!! SQUEAK!!!! BURKLE BURKLE BURKLE BURKLE BURKLE!!!

With these noises along with a poof of razzle-dazzle-polka-dot with purple stripes colored light, the three authoresses and their Nobody friends appeared in the Superior's room.

They all froze at the sight before them. Xemnas, scary Nobody leader with an evil monotone, was playing with… _Barbie dolls_.

He looked up at them and froze as well. Axel was the first to break the silence. "Superior, what the HECK are you doing?" Xemnas answered in a freakishly high voice (unfortunately, still a monotone), "I'm having a tea party with Ms. Tulip-toes! Uh… I mean… GET OUT!"

The six found themselves shoved outside the room. Russa turned around as the door slammed. She put a hand on it, yelled, "PICKLE!" and the door opened again.

She skipped inside. "You can't keep us out, Eggs Mc-Emnas!" Superior simply stared at her, a Barbie doll in each hand. Sofri followed her in, shaking with laughter. She shook a finger at Xemnas. "Did you know your name spells Mansex?"

Sharpie followed the others in, looking thoughtful. "Maybe that's why no one can find Xemnas or Saïx after 8 in the evening…" Behind her, Roxas and Axel had dissolved into hysterical laughter. Even Zexion was snickering behind a hand.

"Those are official strategy meetings!" Superior insisted quickly. Then, his face reddened. "Uh… I mean… um…" It was too late. The room echoed with the laughter of all six.

Xemnas finally snapped. He summoned his blades, saying in his normal, deep, annoying monotone. "Nothingness… is… ETERNAL." Russa grabbed hold of the end of one of the blades without seeming to get hurt. "Copycat!" she yelled.

"Your swords are already copyrighted." Sofri informed him. Sharpie handed him an official looking letter. Xemnas let his blades dissipate and stared at it. "It's from someone named George…" He slit open the letter and began to read. "This George person is suing me? For copyright infringement?"

"Yup." Sharpie confirmed. "Your lightsabers already appeared in Star Wars." Xemnas had a dumb, confused look on his face. "Huh? Star Wars?"

Russa waved a hand dismissively. "Forget about that." She pulled a random already blown-up balloon out of her pocket. Grinning evilly, she began rubbing it on the long silver-grey hair of Xemnas. When she was done, it looked like… "An afro?" Sofri laughed.

Russa snickered. "Yup."

POOF!!

Short Caveman appeared. He was immediately run through by Sofri's rapier, Sharpie's sharpie-shaped sword, and several of Russa's knives. He vanished.

Sofri and Russa promptly burst into song. "Meeeeeein Hut, er hat drei Ecke, drei Ecke hat mein Hut! Wann hat er nicht drei Ecke, dann ist er nicht mein Hut!"

With a poof, Xemnas was suddenly wearing dorky-looking lederhosen. He twitched.

The three authoresses began bouncing on the bed, singing a different song. "Now the song's beginning, here's the second line, the first verse is almost finished, aren't we doin' fiiine? And here comes the chorus, won't you sing along? Join us in the chorus, the chorus of the soooooooong! Oo-oo-ooooo-oo, oo-oo-oooo-oo! Second verse already, isn't singing fun? We could sing this verse all night, but oops, the verse is dooooone! And here comes the chorus, won't you sing along, join us in the chorus, the chorus of the sooooong! Oo-oo-oooo-oo, oo-oo-oooo-oo! Here's the middle eight, in the middleeeeeee, eight bars long, this is the sixth one, instrumental!" Sharpie provided the instrumental noises. "The third verse is a sad verse; it's like leaving an old friend. We've got to saaay goodbye now—goodbye now—because we've reached the eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend. Yes, it's the end. (bum bum) Except for the chorus! Won't you sing along? Join us in the chorus, the chorus of the soooong! Here's a problem, how to end it? Sing the last line, once more with feeling: the choooooruuuus ooof theeee sooooooooooooong!"

_Poof!_ Now Xemnas was wearing a Scottish kilt and holding a set of bagpipes. "What the heck?" he yelled. Axel, Roxas, and Zexion had long since dissolved into hysterical laughter.

Russa grinned and started up again. "We are building a religion, we are building it bigger, we are widening the corridors, and adding more lanes. We are building a religion, a limited edition, we are now accepting callers for these pendant keychains. To resist it is useless, it is useless to resist it. His cigarette is burning, but he never seems to ash. He is grooming his poodle, he is living comfort eagle, you can meet at his location, but you'd better come with cash." By this time, Sofri and Sharpie were doing a rather interesting dance along with the song. Russa grinned and continued. "Now his hat is on backwards, he can show you his tattoos, he is in the music business, he is calling you DUDE! Now today is tomorrow, and tomorrow is today, and yesterday is weaving in and out. And the fluffy white lines that the airplane leaves behind are drifting right in front of the waning of the moon. He is handling the money, he is serving the food, he knows about your party, he is calling you DUDE! Now, do you believe in the one big sign? The doublewide shine on the bootheels of your prime? Doesn't matter if you're skinny, doesn't matter if you're fat, you can dress up like a sultan in your onion-head hat. We are building a religion, we are making a brand, we're the only ones to turn to when your castles turn to sand. Take a bite of this apple, Mr. Corporate Events; take a walk through the jungle of cardboard shanties intense. Some people drink Pepsi, some people drink Coke. The wacky morning DJ says democracy's a joke. He says, "Now, do you believe in the one big song?" He is now accepting callers who would like to think along. He says, "Do you believe in the one true edge? By fastening your safety belt, and stepping towards the ledge." He is handling the money, he is serving the food, he is now accepting callers, he is calling me DUDE! Do you believe in the one big sign? The doublewide shine on the bootheels of your prime? There's no need to ask directions if you ever lose your mind; we're behind you, we're behind you, and let us please remind you: we can send a car to find you if you ever lose your way. We are building a religion… we are building it bigger… We are building… a religion… a limited… edition… we are now accepting callers… for these beautiful… pendant keychains…"

Xemnas looked like a poodle now. Russa snickered before she and Sofri threw themselves into the next song, accompanied by Sharpie, who had borrowed Demyx's sitar.

"Hast du etwas Zeit für mich? Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich auf 99 Luftballons, auf Ihren Weg zum Horizont. Denkst du vielleicht, grad an mich? Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich auf 99 Luftballons, und dass sowas von sowas kommt…(sitar music)… 99 Luftballonsauf Ihrem Weg zum Horizont. Hielt man für UFOs aus dem All. Darum schickte ein General: 'ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher. Alarm zu geben, wenn so wär. Dabei von da, am Horizont; Nur 99 Luftballons!...(sitar)… 99 Düsenflieger, jeder war ein grosser Krieger. Hielten sich für Captain Kirk; dass gab ein grosses Feuerwerk. Die Nachbarn haben nichts gerafft, und fühlten sich gleich angemacht. Dabei schoss man, am Horizont, auf 99 Luftballons!...(sitar)… 99 Kriegsminister, Streichholz und Benzinkanister! Hielten sich für schlaue Leute. Witterten schon fette Beute. Riefen: Krieg und wollten macht. Mann, wer hätte das gedacht? Dass es einmal, soweit kommt, Wegen 99 Luftballons!... Wegen 99 Luftballons… 99 Luftballons…(sitar)… 99 Jahre Krieg. Liessen keinen Platz für Sieger; Kriegsminister gibt's nicht mehr, und auch keine Düsenflieger. Heute sich ich meine Runden; seh die Welt in Trümmern liegen. Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden; denk an dich und lass' ich fliegen."

The Superior had turned into a red balloon. Russa, Sofri, and Sharpie looked at him for a moment before bursting into laughter. They fell onto the bed, rolling around and laughing.

Somehow, Xemnas turned himself back. He ran, sobbing hysterically, from the room.

Half an hour later, when they had all regained control of themselves, Axel realized something. "We've tortured everyone now… what next?" The three authoresses grinned, grabbed Axel's arms, and poofed away.

Roxas and Zexion stared at the spot where they'd been for a moment. "Oh dear…" Zexion said matter-of-factly.

* * *

Oh dear, indeed, Zexion, oh dear indeed... 


End file.
